WESTERN RHYMES: BALLYHOO

HASSAYAMPA HOEDOWN

There's a place I know, out west, where the truth is never told,

Where the tallest tales are told with absolute conviction.

Oh, they can't help but tell new tales the same as the old.

Something in the water there, forces this addiction.

Believe me, when I say, this is the bona fide truth, I tells.

The story of the Hassayampa Hoedown in 1866,

When the pack trains came through town - with camels.

Now, you think I'm confabulatin' this but I say "fiddlesticks."

Now, those camels got mighty thirsty and so they got their wishes -

From the waters of the dry Hassayampa bed of sand,

And who knows but they didn't also swallow some sandfishes.

From that day on they were the only talking camels in the land.

Now the camel, named Arthur, says to the other, that he's tired of lumbering -

Across the desert and back with heavy ore packed on his back.

Says King, the other, "Why don't we go on strike, this load is too encumbering."

And so the camels laid down and refused to be the hack.

Now, Hi Jolly, the camel jockey, was beside himself with fret.

He had a job, under contract with the army, to pack these supplies,

So a ruse he pulled upon his lazy camels and he hedged his bet.

He told them they could have a hoedown right before his eyes.

Well, you know, dancin' camels is a sight to behold and that's no doubt.

All the townsfolk came down to marvel and watch the show.

Hi Jolly sold tickets to the crowd and made enough money to shout.

What a spectacle that day with camels on display and Hi Jolly in the dough.

As time went on, the thrill became greater than anyone could ever know.

The town insisted that Hi Jolly and his camels must stay.

It would be good for the tourist trade to have such a wonderful show,

So they erected a huge circus tent on the edge of town - out Wickenburg Way.

Hi Jolly hung up a sign and it's still there to this very day.

It's a place where used transportation is sold and bought.

Just out east of town - out there on the highway,

As you pass buy, be sure to look for the sign that says King & Arthur's Camel Lot

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THE COWBOY WITH THE WORD HERD

This is the story of Weird Ward,
A cowboy from up 'round Seward.
He talked real rich,
Like a man with a pitch.
By birth, he was a noble lord.

Now Weird Ward had a large herd.
Not cattle, but a range full of words.
The five-dollar kind,
Used by design,
And sometimes even backwards.

The words in Weird Wards word herd,
Were words that most had never heard.
A pocket dictionary,
Was always necessary,
To decipher his nouns and verbs

On occasion whenever he slept,
We heard him say "biblioklept."
Talkin' in his slumber,
With reason to wonder,
We were always in his debt.

What does it mean, we pondered.
Words can't be wasted or squandered.
Like cattle gone mad,
There's no word that bad,
Just some that need laundered.

"You fellers use the word 'Rustler,'
For a cattle thief hustler.
My word herd doesn't.
I use your word's cousin.
I know, it's a real puzzler."

"A 'Biblioklept' is what you are.
When you steal my star,
My five-dollar words,
Reducing my herd.
A word rustler is what you are."

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SOLIPSIST

I learned a new word today
I'm not sure how it plays
But to beat Weird Ward
I'll use it anyway

It's the five dollar variety
To be used with propriety
But against Weird Ward
There'll be some anxiety

Solipsist is the word heard
Solipsistic is another word
They don't describe Ward
But they trump the absurd

Find out what they mean
You'll soon find you lean
Toward using the word
And needing it like caffeine

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THE MOTH'S MOURNFUL STORY

A moth, named Miller, in a killer fix, is quite down in the mouth
LIfe's a riddle in the middle when it's all going south
It's help he needs and that which he heeds per his own insists
He walks down to the office of the town's local podiatrist.

There he enters in the center of the Doc's waiting room
And the Doc says: "My, but don't you look mighty gloom"
"Tell me what the matter is, what's got you so scattered here in my place?"
Let's see if we can't make a frown upside down on your Miller face.

So the moth tells the Doc, on the clock, that his wife has left
She flew off in a huff with a butterfly, leaving him bereft
With a bigger wingspan, his name was Dan, now they're a pair in the air
"And here I am, a little moth, drowning my sorrows in a chair"

"But that's not all, I had a big fall when my son joined a radical caterpillar gang"
"I don't understand, without a plan they just do their own "Thang"
"And my daughter hadn't oughter treat me the way she do"
"Calling me old-fashioned, she'll find her allowances rationed and few"

"And, I gotta tell ya, fella, my job's the pits and gives me fits."
"Slavin' away, savin' my pay every day, down at the factory, makin' holes in wool knits"
"I'll admit, I'm out of my wits and about to call it quits"
So help me Doc, as here I sit, tell me how much a moth can permit"

"My life's in ruin, if there is a candidate for suicide, I'm a shoo-in"
"I tell ya, I just can't take it or fake it, the towel, I threw in"
The Doc says: "That's a mighty woeful tale to tell"
"Distress is best when the test ain't hell"

"But, I'm afraid you've walked into a medical trap"
"You're in the wrong office, you see, I do the feet-Doc rap"
"I'm a podiatrist not a psychiatrist. It's a doctor of the mind, you need to find, am I wrong?"
"So tell me why you are here," to which the moth replied, "The Light Was On"

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A CHANGE OF HABIT

A moth went into a bar
It was dark and hard to see from afar
He said he was told he could get a light
The barkeep opened a bottle of Bud Lite

The moth was dissappointed to say the least,
Not at all what was expected, cold and no heat
So the moth turned and asked the crowd for a light
A dozen patrons flicked their bic and the moth said good night.

Burned to a crisp and black as coal
He flew into a church to cleanse his soul
There he was baptized, then ordained
A moth of the cloth with a spirit obtained

Out on the street, dressed in all black
Preaching the Hellfire and Brimstone facts
Our friend did seek the downtrodden and needy
But was mistaked for a goth moth by the seedy

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TALKING DOG FOR SALE

While driving though the country one day

I saw a sign and this is what it had to say

TALKING DOG FOR SALE - FIRST COME FIRST SERVED

Well, I couldn't believe what my mind just heard

I dove up to the house and the rancher came out

"I'm here to inquire about the sign, what's it all about?"

"Do you have a dog that can actually speak?"

"Yes," he said, "he's out back, just go 'round and take a peek."

There in the back yard, a black lab sitting in a chair

I said, "are you the dog on the sign?" as I got a cold stare

Finally, he said "yes that's me, I'm the talking dog for sale"

"I speak three languages and I can also read Braille"

"So what's your story, tell me why you're so rare"

"Well, when I was still a pup, I discovered I had this flair"

"I wanted to help my country so I contacted the gov'ment"

"And you wouldn't even believe all the places I was sent"

"They had me at the airport listening in for drug buys"

"And in foreign countries looking out for communist spies"

"I was in a constant jet-lag from continuous continent hopping"

"'Cause no one could believe that a dog would be eavesdropping"

"Well, it took it's toll and after eight years, I retired"

"I settled down, ate steak and drank beer whenever I desired"

"Now this old fool wants to sell me off and I don't know why"

"Seems the least he could do is let me set the terms of the buy"

So, after hearing a story like this, I couldn't believe my luck

I went back to the owner and asked him how much

"Just ten bucks" is what he told me as I stumbled back

"Why so cheap," I asked, "for a dog as good as that?"

"Well, I believe in honesty, so I won't hide it, no saw"

"If you want to buy my dog, I'll tell you he has a flaw"

"But you have to promise never to bring him back"

"You see, he's a liar, he never did any of that."

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Note: This is a continuation poem. In order for it to make sense, you should first read

Backseat Buster

THE INSURANCE SETTLEMENT

The old car was a total wreck
We're lucky we saved our necks
Should've known better, I guess
But I was in my finest cowboy dress

It was the occasion of the Jubilee
Duded up from head to knee
Boot tops from knee to floor
A young lass couldn't ask for more

Drivin' myself would look uncouth
A chauffeur was needed and that's the truth
Not many cowboys can be driven
In a limo and that's a given

Oh what a spectacle I'd be
At my first town Jubilee
But it all went to sin
And now look at the mess I'm in

When I told the insurance adjuster
He was in a complete fluster
Tall tales he'd heard before
But this one was a real chore

He was sure I was hidin' the real story
A wrecked car this bad without gory
Details just didn't tally up no way
So my insurance payout had a delay

Who would not believe an honest bloke like me?
An big city insurance adjuster from Kankakee!
I guess I should be thankful that I'm alive
But oh how I rue the day I let Buster drive.

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ROCKS WITH WORDS

A cowboy was ridin' a new range
When he came upon something strange
A rock with hand-carved words
A warning to all pushin' herds

The haunting words he quietly read
To tell you true, this is what it said
"Here, in eighteen seventy-six
Our pard went right over the cliff"

"Pushin' a small calf and mama cow
He didn't see the danger no how
We called him Curly and that's a fact
But now we just call him Flat"

"He's lyin' down there on the bottom.
Ain't no one can go down and get him.
So we put this marker here to remember,
That cold mournful day in September."

A bit farther up the trail, later that day,
Another rock with words carved to say:
"Here on this spot not so long ago,
A cowboy was singing soft and low."

"The herd, he was nighthawkin,' was calm.
The words came from some old psalm.
Befitting the upcoming disaster.
Lay me down in green pastures."

The rock told the story of Slim,
About how no one could find him.
The herd was bedded down,
But Slim was nowhere around.

At daylight, the tracks were clear.
Horse and all had gone a bit to near.
The edge gave way and he was gone.
We wondered if he ever finished his song.

Today, the prairie is fenced over,
And the rocks stand in tall clover.
No one rides the range out here.
It's left for the roaming buffalo and deer.

Now if you should happen to want to know more
There's books In just 'bout every book store,
All about the rocks and the words we wrote
Just ask the for the one called "Cliff Notes"

FENCES CUT

Gates left open and fences cut down
So quads and dirt bikes from town
Can cut loose and rip and tear
Destroying all vegitation without a care

It's a sad, but true commentary
On the thrill-seekers' community
Nevermind the stakes and the cost
Seems even common sense has been lost

And so goes the story of Chad and Dale,
Four-wheelers in a souped-up rail
Havin' fun in the sun, ignoring the rocks
Movin' too fast in their man-sized sandbox

Now, we've carved words in another stone
All about two fellers over the edge all alone
They didn't see the warning signs so over and down
First the fence, then the rocks and now they're Heaven bound

There's a club down there at the bottom of the canyon
With Chad, Dale, Slim and our pard we had to abandon
The club is not seekin' any new members just now
So keep the gate closed and don't cut the fence no how

Membership in a club this elite is not for thrill-seekers
Once you join, it's a forever thing, like the club for tweakers
So stay on your side of the fence, as hard as that might be.
And never peer over the edge to see what you might see.

And should you ever want to know what happens next
Just Google my Youtube video or send me a quick text
It was all captured by my drone camera in high-def
The day Chad and Dale, in a rail, went over the cliff

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XIT vs. HASHKNIFE

Now, this is the story of the contest between two cowboys

From the great Texas XIT ranch and the Hashknife in Arizona

Legend has it that the XIT sent out Bob Fudge as their cowboy

And Baconrind Bill rep'd as the Hashknife persona

Now, you know, it was to be just a contest between these two

But with the wagers placed, it became spread against spread

First, bossman Mossman, who we called "Cap,' spit out his chew

And said, "Here's a month's pay boys, get out your bread."

Not to be out done, all 250 pounds of Bob Fudge put down the next bet,

Saying, "Pound for pound gents, I'll bet the XIT can out-do any of you"

Fellers ante'd up on both sides and right down the middle, but yet,

No one thought about just what kind of contest would do.

Off to the side, just eyeballing the whole affair, was a kid we knew as Pearl

He came up with the idea that we should have a shooter's contest

"Gunslingers" is what he actually said, as he put his pistol in a twirl

He said, "shootin' at targets that don't shoot back was for wimmin at best"

Well, bravados was thick as ticks on a bull, with each side claiming rights

Before you know it, both ranches had put up at least a half-year's pay

The XIT GM, Mr. Boyce, put a stop to that notion quick as a rattler bite

He said, "Well that might be fun, but I can't lose no top hands today"

While we was all scrappin' over the type of contest and the rules,

Up drove a surrey with two suited gents, both sporting walruses, fully.

Now the white-haired driver said he'd risk both his Arkansas mules

While the other, in the passenger seat, never said anything 'cept "Bully"

Well, then Pearl told a story 'bout a guy from Pecos

Who roped a lion, then rode it into town and on and on

"Never mind," said Baconrind, "I'll put down fifty pesos

We've got a guy who belly roped a cat and drug it 'cross the Mogollon

Just then, the old gent with the white walrus spoke up in a gravely voice

Said, "You fellers ever hear of the frog jumping contest way out west?"

"Why, they got frogs that can jump all the way to Mexico - by choice"

"Saddled and ridden by jockeys wearing top hats and colored vests"

The Cherokee Kid from the Nations spun a loop with his twine,

Wrapped it round the whole crew and danced in and out while it spun.

"Can any of you do this," he bragged, as he pulled a second loop from behind.

Just as Ab Blocker drew his iron, the kid threw his loop and snatched Ab's gun.

Well, one, by one, the tales got longer and taller and each man took a turn

The fellers told about geckos big 'nuff to saddle and antlers on rabbits

Each one had a whopper bigger'n the one before as we watched the campfire burn

Until finally the Hashknife crew had supposedly herded up all the planets

They had 'em all gathered in a big corral in the sky when a ghost heard came by

And spooked the planets so that they stampeded to smithereens

So "fiddlin' Jim Perry took his turn and said his XIT boys hung those lanterns in the sky

That's when Cooky spoke up and said it was him who put all the foul in the beans

That was the end of the big contest between the two giant ranches

Since no one could top Cooky's claim on the production of methane gas

And since there was never no clear winner from any of the matches

All the money on the blanket went to pay off the debt on the Gadsden Purchase

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BALLYHOO

WESTERN RHYMES

Contact BRIAN McNEAL