WESTERN RHYMES: BIB 'N TUCKER

COUNTIN' HEADS

The fellers all called him Fuzzy and let me tell you, was he.

Whiskers, the kind of which a brush hog could not attack

He was also a little bit "tetched" in the head and very fussy

But he was a kindly soul and so year after year we brought him back

Fuzzy was the sort of feller who wanted to belong

But somehow he always just came up short of the mark

At the campfire each night, he was always singing another song

Don't know if he couldn't hear or just couldn't read lips in the dark

Then one day, Fuzzy said his grandpa had met his death

And left him a small spread over in the next county

Fuzzy was both sad and excited all in the same breath

A hundred head of cows and a ranch was a real bounty

Next season, Fuzzy called us all up to help with his gathering

We took in all of his branded cows and their calves

Somehow the total number looked a lot more flattering

Could each cow have given birth to three calves?

Well, this continued every spring and fall

Until Fuzzy was the biggest rancher on the plains

It was hard to believe but Fuzzy swore it was all

On the up and up and nothing but honest gains

No one could believe the luck this once poor feller was having

Year after year, his herd size kept growing and multiplying

Every season, even his older cows never quit calving

And strangely enough none of them were ever found dying

The stock growers association asked him to give a speech

Most ranchers achieved only a sixty to ninety percent calf crop

Fuzzy told 'em 'bout countin' heads and multiplyin' feet

Then he subtracted his costs for replacements on top

He talked about losses due to bad weather and animal kills

Dividing the percentages into the sums and deciperin' the outcome

He had graphs of how national averages showed frills

And he calculated that the geometry would give him a good income

Then one day, the bean counters came to look over his stock

They felt that his overabundant success had a very strange path

They did their own count and inventoried like a hawk

When they put him in jail, they said it was due to "Fuzzy Math"

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

TIB 'N BUCKER

Tib and Bucker were just the same
Like Dweedle Tee and Dweedle Tum
One was dumber, and the other, just dumb
Nothing at all like Colonel Tom Thumb

Tib said to Bucker one day so fine,
"Why do you act so dumb all the time?"
To which, Bucker replied with a sigh
"I could be like you if I only half try"

Skiddle dee divey, what should they do?
Tib and Bucker working at the zoo
Bucker in the monkey cage with food
Tib lookin' on, doesn't have a clue

Hear-no, See-no and Speak-no out of the cage
Three crazy monkeys on a rampage
Zoo crew Tib and Bucker doin' time
Deaf, dumb and blind with monkey shines

Here comes Tom Thumb to the rescue
He's got a wizard with a trick or two
Grind that organ loud and fast
Three little monkeys home at last

Tib and Bucker traded places
Monkeys back in their cages
Lookin' smart, our Tib and Bucker
Dressed in their finest bib and tucker

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

BLOWIN' GLASS

When he first started blowin' glass
The results were only good for trash
But soon the skill became clear
And glassblowing was his career

Flowers were his forte
With delicate petals to display
And soon roses were his favorites
All kinds of roses, dull and bright

Mono colored roses on thorny stems
Multi-colored roses mixed in among them
Tiny little roses for a lady's lapel
And giant glass roses that ring like a dinner bell

Each new rose that he blew
Was placed in his window to view
Side by side and stacked four or five deep
Roses by the hundreds allow the sunlight to seep

Soon his windows were overstuffed with colored glass sculptures
A view to behold for any passersby with an eye for culture
We always tell him he should enter them in the fair, but he opposes
He says he likes looking at the world through glass colored roses

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

IN OR OUT

In or out
Is what it's all about.
Boot tops hidden,
Or boot tops showin'?

A light under a pail.
A ship without a sail.
Makes no sense at all,
To have tops that tall,

If trousers cover the wares,
So passersby are unaware.
Artwork covered by canvas,
Like corn covers Kansas.

Why have boots on your feet?
If you cheat us of the treat,
To see your greens, yellows and blues.
Why not just wear shoes?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

MOTHER NATURE'S REMEDIES

When a cowboy is young and on the go
He's got a head full of hair willin' to grow
But as he ages he loses some of it
And wonders just what became of it

The older he gets, the more he sees his skull
Lookin' like a giant peanut without a hull
The mirror doesn't lie, no matter how he cries
Mother Nature says: "Wear a hat, just you try"

Then the wind comes up and renders his hat
Useles for hiding where his shortcomings are at
Mother Nature's plans can't be thwarted
Even if you think your looks have been distorted

When a young cowpoke is just startin' out
All that hair on top is a big part of what he's all about
Prim and propper and groomed up nice for the gals
Notice how it's all up top to keep it out of the chaparrals

But as he gets older and a lot wiser, it's not needed much
And so Mother Nature finds ways to relieve him of the crutch
With years of wisdom crammed in a space not so large
It's just natural that she wants the sun to give him more charge

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

JINGLEBOBS

Riding through the brush, on a high-plains plateau

Thinkin' as he rides; Oh, how the ride is slow.

Rowels on spurs ring, such a real delight

Chiming in with the prairie birds, singing all the day and night

(Chorus) Jinglebobs, jinglebobs, jingle all the day

A cowboy's day, with little pay. Listen to the horse's neigh

Jinglebobs, jinglebobs, jingle all the day

A prairie song with voices strong. Cowboy lookin' for the stray

A couple days ago, I thought I saw a sign

A coyote trail headed for the county line

I followed it on down and there it took a turn

It was the day this cowboy's pay was really, really earned

(Chorus)

A mama cow with her calf, stuck right in the mud

A remnant of yesterday's one-hundred year flood

My horse was big and strong. My rope was in a loop

I roped that cow real neat and drug her through the soup

(Chorus)

A cow that's saved, is much grace, on a cattle spread

A cowboy's word to save the herd is what this rider said

Now everything's alright. The cows are home again

And that's the way it is, on our ranch, outside of old Cheyenne

(Chorus)

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

OLD FASHIONED TRACTOR TIRES

Well, it had rained most of the week.
But work still needed done, so to speak.
More rain 'spected today and again tomorrow
Puttin' it off till next week means sure sorrow

So, it wasn't the best day to be tearin' up the yard
But those power-line polls needed pushed hard
Outta the way so the crews could get to work
Never mind that the weather was bein' a jerk

Not the best day to be puttin' tractor tires on the lawn
Giant ruts and tractor tracks - meaning more work to act on
Texas weather never seems to cooperate with a workin' man
Never seems to give you a break - even when you've got a plan

So the poles got moved, and the lawn looks a sight
But puttin' the tractor back in the barn was the fright
That Texas Caliche mud was hard packed into those tire lugs
Then driving over the lawn where straw covered newly seeded plugs

Here comes the rain. No time to wash down the mud
Tractor barn can get cleaned later after the flood
Now the very next time I needed the tractor in the parade for politics
I found I no longer had tires, but instead I was driving on Adobe Bricks

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A SHORTER SHAGGY DOG STORY

He was tall, but he was called Shorter,

Not Shorty, and I'll tell you why

He never could tell the full tale

Half would stay South of the border

Seems every tale he ever told

Was lacking in something

Something he forgot to say

Or maybe something he would hold

A beginning, a middle and ...that's it

No one ever knew what happened

A good story gone sour in a hurry

All because he would never finish it

Like the time he told about the two

Cowboys in the saloon after closing

And ever-thing that didn't happen

And the rest, well, we never knew

Once he told us about a fish

With a woman's upper half

But then he stopped just short

Of givin' every feller his wish

Then he got the habit of tellin' the end

But never startin' it out right

He'd give us the punchline

But, nothin' before to blend

Well, after awhile we just stopped listenin'

There just wasn't any point

Half a story that goes nowhere

Like a baptism without a christenin'

Now, I don't like to brag

But I'm here to tell ya,

Ya just can't tell a shaggy dog story

Without the shag

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

GRANDMA'S PET

Every young girl needs a pet for company

And Grandma was no exception

But her pet was a little unusual, you see

I guess the two of 'em had a predilection

Now this may sound like a whopper

The kind of tale that storytellers love to tell

Whenever she'd tell it, none would stop her

Her friend was a Roadrunner she called Maribel

They became friends when that bird killed a snake

Right before her eyes and just in time

A sure bite on the leg when Grandma made a mistake

But that bird danced in front of the snake's eyes

He danced around and flew up with each strike

Then came down and pecked with his beak

Again and again, much to that snake's dislike

Swallowed it all except for the bubble and squeak

Now this was all when Grandma was just a youngun'

But it stuck in her memory like dry sticks in Arizona

'Cause she tamed that roadrunner to ride in the wagon

He followed her all the way from Texas to Oklahoma

The family went up there to get rich with the oil wells

But that bird got them more fortune and fame

First they'd drum up a crowd then turn loose ol' Maribel

And Great Gramps would throw in a snake to start the game

Uncle Roy would start collectin' the bets in his hat

While Grandma pretended to be scared to death

Maribel would dance 'round that snake like an acrobat

She knew exactly what to do while everyone held their breath

Every week they put on the same show in a new town

And turn down offers to sell Maribel to a circus groomer

Then one day she pecked the snake so hard, she sunk a well down

And that proved she was the very first Roadrunner Sooner Boomer

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

AN IMPORTANT GUEST

When Arbuckle came to visit the ranch

It was always a big deal and a chance

To spit polish every nook and cranny

'Less we wanted a dusting on our fanny

As ten and eleven-year-olds, we did our share

Handling ranch chores was an everyday affair

But when word come of Arbuckle's visit

Grandad's instructions were explicit

Drag the path to the gate to smooth the ruts

A good job to keep the youth from going nuts

Keep the crown in the center

Make the ranch welcome to enter

Re-brand the sign hanging on the gate

Spit shine the lanterns and hang 'em straight

Move a few cows up into the close pasture

Nothing like the smell of cows to make his visit go faster

Arbuckle knew all there was to know about coffee beans

But, about cattle and ranching, you could say: "he knew beans"

His visits were an honor and a nuisance at the same time

An Eastern dude on a Wyoming ranch is darn near a crime

But we all did our level best to impress

Just like we did for any P.O. Ranch guest

As the youngest hands and good little cowboy soldiers

Our most important job was to hide the Folger's

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Pages

BIB 'N TUCKER

WESTERN RHYMES

Contact BRIAN McNEAL