WESTERN RHYMES: RANCH DANCE

THE COWBOY WHO DIDN'T TEXT

Andy was a product of the end of the century,

Growing up in the millennial digital age.

But I'll tell you this confidentially,

He viewed the world with a different gauge.

All his friends had cell phones and devices,

But he had none. He didn't text or Google.

He said, his parents considered those as vices,

No service on the ranch, so he played the bugle.

While his school chums buried their heads in devices,

And learned how to be dependent on Apps,

He had head, hands and feet deep in the well,

And was learnin' how to treat a cow's prolapse.

I knew his family and watched him grow.

He was the first hand hired on the ranch.

I knew what he knew and what he didn't know.

At least I thought I did, but he surprised me at every chance.

Later as our outfit grew, and we needed another hand,

I hired Josh, another young man about the same age,

And soon found out the difference of working the land.

All I asked from either was that they earn their wage.

One day I discovered the fence was down at the corner frames.

I asked them if they could take care of that and the gates.

At the end of the day Josh had a list of repair shop names -

Said he Googled them and called each one for estimates.

About that time Andy came back in, parked the truck,

And put away the tools he'd taken from the shed.

Said, he finished the job and actually had some good luck,

When he found the welder and the scrap metal in the garden bed.

Well that's when I learned the difference between the two men

The difference between the value of education

and an education that has real value... and I'll say no more, The End

HALF-A-HAND HOMER

This is the story about a certain kind of "green."
Every ranch has had one of these fellers, I guess,
And if you've been around, I'm sure you know what I mean -
The kind of guy who just lacks any ability to finish.

He's the guy that will grease three wheels but not four.
He'll go into town but plumb forget his list,
Or leave the barn and never even think to close the door.
I don't reckon I need say any more, you get the gist.

Well, we had one of those fellers, one time, at the Bar-Double-One.
But, let me tell you, he might have been the poster child.
We had to keep two extras hands to finish what he left undone.
And the day he left, well, you ain't never seen so many smiles.

Half-A-Hand Homer, we called him, I guess you know why.
Well, we heard he'd gotten another job down in the Southwest.
He was managing that big project to build a border wall.
And now we heard, he's done got himself elected to Congress.

PA'S GIFT

Well, it was comin' up on Father's Day,

And Pa was one of those guys.

You know - hard to find just the right gift.

We needed help, some good advice.

Pa was one of those do-it-yourself types.

On the ranch, he never called the repair man.

He'd fix everything himself without help,

Even fixin' the neighbor's stuff when he can.

He'd grown up that way - independent.

There wasn't money in the depression,

To be spending on stuff like that.

If he didn't know exactly, he'd do it by guessin'.

Well, none of us could think of what to get him.

But little Ezra, Pa's grandson and namesake,

Had the idea to use the Amazon AI for ideas.

Some of us didn't trust AI and thought it a mistake.

But, we were out-voted by the younger generations.

And so with much reservation, that is what we did.

We fed the computer with Pa's profile and data.

We told it about his ranch life and about his kids.

We gave it the amount we wanted to spend,

And some general ideas about his personality.

Then all we had to do was sit back and wait -

For the delivery truck to arrive with punctuality.

Now, I should tell you; this may not have been the best plan.

To allow the online AI to make the determination,

And then trust it to do it all right and fine,

When all along it should have been up to the relations.

Well, when the delivery finally came on Father's day,

Pa opened it up and then couldn't help but frown.

The AI had decided the perfect gift would be a How-To Book.

How to fix and repair stuff instead of calling a guy from town.

Boy did the AI goof big time on that one.

Pa could've written that book and ten more.

He didn't need a guide book for repairs.

He'd been fixin' stuff since long before the war.

We goofed too, allowing a machine to do what we should do.

We wanted a gift filled with wonderment and awe.

But the AI matched the gift with his skills and mindset.

It was supposed to be a gift for Pa but it was faux pas.

REIN CHAINS AND SLOBBER STRAPS

Rein chains and slobber straps
Ring tails on big pole cats
Bell tails on new pack mules
Coal oil for lantern fuel

Wishin' I knew what you will do
Hopin' it ain't someone new
Where was I when you knew
Ridin' range in the morning dew

Sunrise on cactus flowers
Calf bawlin' in the early hours
Birds singin' their breakfast call
Desert killed by urban sprawl

Where were you when I needed you
What did you do to make me blue
Why did it have to be this way
It's my job night or day

Campfires for cookin' chuck
Rabbit's foot for cowboy luck
Pocket knife for everything
Losing you is the scary thing

Your life and mine got tangled up
We never knew the jingle jangle of
Two people deep in love
I'm like a hand without a glove

(now all I've got are) Rein chains and slobber straps
Ring tails on big pole cats
Where was I when you knew
Ridin' range in the morning dew

Rein chains and slobber straps
We never heard the leather slap
Never knew the together nap
(now all I've got are) Rein chains and slobber straps

Rein chains and slobber straps
Rein chains and slobber straps
Livin' life on the desert map
Livin' in a singles trap

(with) Rein chains and slobber straps
Rein chains and slobber straps ... ...

The Great Cantaloupe Strike
(Neigh Means Neigh)

Horses go on strike
Won't eat their hay
Protesting, holding out
For the cantaloupe they didn't get yesterday

Looking at me with the wanting eye
Bargaining power clearly signed
Meet their demands no matter how high
Do they think management is blind?

They know what a picket line is
And are not afraid to use it
Work stoppage threatens the biz
They know their job and are not afraid to lose it

They're striking while the iron is hot
They know the benefits are there for the taking
They also know what they have got -
To offer, and the demands, they're not breaking

When horses go on strike, there's no bargaining
You can replace 'em with long-eared mules
But the barn doors are not welcoming
And mules never abide by strike rules

DESERT ORCHESTRA

They've been personified as the outlaw of the west
They've weathered the sun and stood the test
They're sentries, standing tall and stout
But I never knew a Saguaro to be fiddlin' about

The cactus virtuoso on a Stradivarius
The maestro of the desert makes me curious
The sound of the desert songbird choir
Mixed with fiddle notes an octave higher

Oh, you fiddlin' cactus, what beautiful sounds you make
Across the great Sonoran solar oven bake
How you do it is a miracle to me
But oh, so lovely to see

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RANCH DANCE

WESTERN RHYMES

Contact BRIAN McNEAL