HOW KENTUCKY GOT IT'S HORSE RACE
In a little town in Kentucky known as Kerwood Place,
Long ago, before Kentucky was a state.
The little town had a famous horse race,
But little did we know what was to be its fate.
Now the race was just two horses in the beginning,
But that was a long time ago when the town was small.
You'd like to have been there to share in the winning,
Back before it grew and began to sprawl.
Well, they got so big with so many new people,
Some wanted to change the name of the town.
Bowler, Homer, Shelby, Greenup or Steeple,
But finally, the vote was cast for Lexing Town.
A lot of things were changed in those days,
But one thing that wasn't, was the horse race.
They kept it, and the greens, where the horses graze,
And they hold that race every year in the same place.
Now, come rain or shine, the first Sunday in May ,
And whether the track be wet and muddy, or dry and dirty,
Churchill Downs is where all the people come to play.
And now you know the real story of the original Kerwood Derby
In a little town in Kentucky known as Kerwood Place,
Long ago, before Kentucky was a state.
The little town had a famous horse race,
But little did we know what was to be its fate.
Now the race was just two horses in the beginning,
But that was a long time ago when the town was small.
You'd like to have been there to share in the winning,
Back before it grew and began to sprawl.
Well, they got so big with so many new people,
Some wanted to change the name of the town.
Bowler, Homer, Shelby, Greenup or Steeple,
But finally, the vote was cast for Lexing Town.
A lot of things were changed in those days,
But one thing that wasn't, was the horse race.
They kept it, and the greens, where the horses graze,
And they hold that race every year in the same place.
Now, come rain or shine, the first Sunday in May ,
And whether the track be wet and muddy, or dry and dirty,
Churchill Downs is where all the people come to play.
And now you know the real story of the original Kerwood Derby
© 2026 Brian McNeal
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NEVER MESS WITH THE BUNKHOUSE BOSS
So you'll get a better idea
of where this story is gonna head
I'm first gonna draw you a map
So you'll understand the poor cat's dread
We had one of the biggest barns in the west
And attached to it was the bunkhouse
With an interconnecting door in between ...
And a mouser who thought it was one big cathouse
She'd sleep up on Micah's top bunk all day
And hunt the critters in the barn at night
But whenever a new cowboy was hired
She'd be checkin' out his stuff by rite
Once she approved, she'd let 'em be
But if all wasn't on the straight and narrow
She'd toss his stuff around and rearrange it
Every day for as long as there is a tomorrow
It was really her bunk house, and we knew it
She just allowed some of us to sleep there
But some, she didn't approve, and they knew it
And her rummaging caused some real despair
She never went outside to keep her safe from owls
So we kept a litter box in the barn for her needs
And that's important for you to know because
I'm gonna introduce you to her special deeds
This happened when the boss hired Wade
She checked him out right off the bat and decided -
She didn't like him. She stomped his bedroll
And disheveled his kit, which got Wade excited
Well the two of 'em had a running feud
Wade would use her litter box for an ashtray -
Putting out his cigar butts and leaving 'em
And she'd tear up his bed every day
Well one night, she decided she'd had enough
So she fixed him up good and proper
We all knew what it was from the unmistakable odor
But in the dark of night, no one could stop her
Somehow, she knew Wade had just got a new pair of boots
And somehow, by the smell, we knew something was fishy
She thought those boots were the perfect place for retaliation
Wade didn't know till his foot went inside and found something squishy
So you'll get a better idea
of where this story is gonna head
I'm first gonna draw you a map
So you'll understand the poor cat's dread
We had one of the biggest barns in the west
And attached to it was the bunkhouse
With an interconnecting door in between ...
And a mouser who thought it was one big cathouse
She'd sleep up on Micah's top bunk all day
And hunt the critters in the barn at night
But whenever a new cowboy was hired
She'd be checkin' out his stuff by rite
Once she approved, she'd let 'em be
But if all wasn't on the straight and narrow
She'd toss his stuff around and rearrange it
Every day for as long as there is a tomorrow
It was really her bunk house, and we knew it
She just allowed some of us to sleep there
But some, she didn't approve, and they knew it
And her rummaging caused some real despair
She never went outside to keep her safe from owls
So we kept a litter box in the barn for her needs
And that's important for you to know because
I'm gonna introduce you to her special deeds
This happened when the boss hired Wade
She checked him out right off the bat and decided -
She didn't like him. She stomped his bedroll
And disheveled his kit, which got Wade excited
Well the two of 'em had a running feud
Wade would use her litter box for an ashtray -
Putting out his cigar butts and leaving 'em
And she'd tear up his bed every day
Well one night, she decided she'd had enough
So she fixed him up good and proper
We all knew what it was from the unmistakable odor
But in the dark of night, no one could stop her
Somehow, she knew Wade had just got a new pair of boots
And somehow, by the smell, we knew something was fishy
She thought those boots were the perfect place for retaliation
Wade didn't know till his foot went inside and found something squishy
© 2026 Brian McNeal
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HOW MY NEIGHBOR HELPED ME WITH MY WATER PROBLEM!
Out here in the desert where the groundwater is low,
Digging down deep enough takes an awful lot of dough.
Three hundred feet wasn't deep enough, so I ought to know,
But my city-slicker neighbor thought he had a better show.
Every day, he'd walk his animals down to the crick for a drink,
And then they'd pack back barrels of water for the kitchen sink.
He'd brag and brag about how little it cost, 'cause the water was free,
And never forget to remind us of how better off we'd be.
But after a while, he realized the amount of work and time it took,
And that's when he decided he'd better find another hook.
And soon, his braggin' and boastin' simmered down,
Then completely disappeared from all conversation in town.
We all began to wonder if maybe he'd sunk a new well,
But knew that didn't happen 'cause the well diggers would tell.
Then one evening when he should've been waterin' at the crick,
I saw him in town, and he tried to dodge me quick.
My mind began to wander and think of what could be.
I imagined all sorts of ways that he could be getting water for free.
But the one I didn't want to think about was the one he chose.
One dark night, I saw him hookin' up my pump to a garden hose.
Well, I knew in an instant what he was doin,'
And I commenced to figurin' out a plan to keep me from stewin.'
I made it known around town about stringin' Emma a new clothesline.
Even bought some good insulated wire from the five and dime.
Secretly, I ordered an electric fence charger from mail order.
We ran the wire out to the well pump to stop my water hoarder.
With a hidden switch at the house, we could turn it off for our own use,
But left it energized every night with laundry flappin' for the ruse.
Well, you should'a heard the howlin' that first time,
When he grabbed the pump handle in the dark of night.
We didn't have video or game cameras back in those days,
But, I'd give anything to have that on film just to see his hair raise.
[pause for effect]
Next time, I'll tell ya what this city-slicker did on my electric fence.
Out here in the desert where the groundwater is low,
Digging down deep enough takes an awful lot of dough.
Three hundred feet wasn't deep enough, so I ought to know,
But my city-slicker neighbor thought he had a better show.
Every day, he'd walk his animals down to the crick for a drink,
And then they'd pack back barrels of water for the kitchen sink.
He'd brag and brag about how little it cost, 'cause the water was free,
And never forget to remind us of how better off we'd be.
But after a while, he realized the amount of work and time it took,
And that's when he decided he'd better find another hook.
And soon, his braggin' and boastin' simmered down,
Then completely disappeared from all conversation in town.
We all began to wonder if maybe he'd sunk a new well,
But knew that didn't happen 'cause the well diggers would tell.
Then one evening when he should've been waterin' at the crick,
I saw him in town, and he tried to dodge me quick.
My mind began to wander and think of what could be.
I imagined all sorts of ways that he could be getting water for free.
But the one I didn't want to think about was the one he chose.
One dark night, I saw him hookin' up my pump to a garden hose.
Well, I knew in an instant what he was doin,'
And I commenced to figurin' out a plan to keep me from stewin.'
I made it known around town about stringin' Emma a new clothesline.
Even bought some good insulated wire from the five and dime.
Secretly, I ordered an electric fence charger from mail order.
We ran the wire out to the well pump to stop my water hoarder.
With a hidden switch at the house, we could turn it off for our own use,
But left it energized every night with laundry flappin' for the ruse.
Well, you should'a heard the howlin' that first time,
When he grabbed the pump handle in the dark of night.
We didn't have video or game cameras back in those days,
But, I'd give anything to have that on film just to see his hair raise.
[pause for effect]
Next time, I'll tell ya what this city-slicker did on my electric fence.
© 2026 Brian McNeal
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FORD'S NEW FOUR ON THE FLOOR
(See it, Drive it, Own it)
The horse was in a Ford,
Because he couldn't afford a Cadillac.
Whenever there was a stream to ford,
He always rode in the back.
The extra weight
Was ballast for the ride.
Kept the Ford
From rolling to its side.
Some thought he was stuffed like Trigger,
So he couldn't walk behind.
But I guess they couldn't figure
That sometimes he would drive.
Now a horse in the back of a Ford,
Is better than a horse in a hearse.
Especially if there is a stream to ford,
'Cause then the horse might be a curse.
Might have fallen off.
But, on or off the course,
On a horse, he'd never be playin' golf.
A horse in a Ford keeps him out of the weather
And no one likes riding a wet horse.
Fords and Horses have gone together,
And, they've gone separate ways, of course.
But, why are you looking at a horse in a Ford
Well, I'll tell ya, the truth comes right from the source
You might see a horse or a Ford coming toward
But you will never see a Ford in a horse.
And no one likes riding a wet horse.
Fords and Horses have gone together,
And, they've gone separate ways, of course.
But, why are you looking at a horse in a Ford
Well, I'll tell ya, the truth comes right from the source
You might see a horse or a Ford coming toward
But you will never see a Ford in a horse.
© 2026 Brian McNeal
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ONE OF EACH
(A Matter of Perspective)
Once there was this feller,
Who had two mares.
And lordy, were they stellar,
But they should've come with stairs.
Now one was gentle and docile,
And one was just cantankerous.
Both were stupendous and colossal.
The biggest horses in Anchorage.
One, he could feed just about anything,
But the other needed a special diet.
From one, he always kept the offspring,
But the others, he always sold private.
The docile one could be shod with a staple gun,
But the other was a real curse.
Shoeing day certainly was no fun.
Her left rear required a reverse.
Now, the most difficult one he named: "Ford."
She was big and strong and heavy.
But the other, the easy-keeper on room and board,
Well, that's the one he named: "Chevy."
Well, one day he listened to his friend Finnigan.
They saw a real chance to exploit,
So, he packed up and moved south to Michigan.
And that's how you got two big giants, Ford and Chevy, in Detroit.
© 2026 Brian McNeal
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MORE SENSE THAN DOLLARS
We were in the auction barn
Ready for the day's bidding to begin
I got up to the podium
And quieted down the din
First sale of the day was a lot of 100 heifers
The calves were owned by a rancher I knew well
I saw him coming up to sit behind me
Just like always - whenever he had stock to sell
And just like always he had his shepherd, "Ranger"
A well-mannered and well-trained stock dog
Unless he got the cue from his master
That workin' dog kept still, like a sleepin' log
Well, I started the biddin' at a fair amount
And progressed to a decent bid from a good egg
I was all set to call it "sold"
When I felt a little tap on my leg
Realizing the owner thought his cows were worth more
I kept on going and got a much higher price
And, once again when I thought the lot was sold
That little tap on the leg came again, real nice
Recognizing that was the owner's bid
I kept the bidding going and what a windfall that was
In the end, it was the highest bid on record
For any lot of heifers ever sold at that auction house
At the close of the sale, I spoke with the rancher
I told him, to keep jacking up the bid had an inherent danger
He looked lost, as if he didn't know, and just then -
I felt another tap. Looking down, it came from the tail of Ranger
© 2026 Brian McNeal
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WHEN THE COWBOY DRANK THE YELLOW WATER
It was in a jug in the corner of the Tee-Pee
He was friendly with the tribe, you see
Invited for the celebration that day
The coming of the spring rain
He knew some Apache lingo from the oldest daughter
And learned quick their word translated to "yellow water"
From the chamber pots at the boarding rooms,
He knew well what was what, in a pot, from a sleeping room
He refused to partake at first and angered the tribe
Insulting them with his stubborn cowboy pride
But as the jug passed 'round the circle
He smelled the sweetness from the cactus tubercle
Soon, he was sippin' and drinkin' like a warrior
Like the others, getting loose and merrier
Drinking all night until the jug went dry
Waking up with his face in a cow pie
Now when it came time to tell the story
It didn't sound nearly this gory
It had more of a glad "Galahad" feel
He completely played down the ordeal
Well, he told the story so convincingly, well
But there was one thing he forgot to tell
So cowboys all over creation were drinkin'
Yellow water without even thinkin'
But just one taste of that chamber pot stuff
Spittin' and spewin' and cussin' rough
You ain't never heard such foul sounds
Comin' from cowboy lips - outbound
Now the thing he failed to mention
Was the Apache's prize invention
Fermented corn, brewed like it otter
But, looked just like yellow water
Tizwin is what they called it as a norm
Much like beer when it is warm
Not the most appetizing of thoughts
But, you drink whatever the host has got
Now when you tell the story - revised to suit
Tell it straight and don't dilute
But leave out a key ingredient
To guarantee they'll be obedient
Then sit back, watch and laugh
About a tale as tall as a giraffe
When the cowboy drank the yellow water
Tizwin made by the chief's mellow daughter
© 2026 Brian McNeal
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