WESTERN RHYMES: RADIOS 'N RODEOS

"Takin' the wild out"

BAD BULLS, BAD BULLS, WHATCHA GONNA DO?

Well, there are bad bulls
And there are ornery bulls
And the Devil looks like a bull
But this is the story of the baddest bull

I swear he must'a had teeth like a gator
Just wait, an' I'll tell ya why, a bit later
Only the bravest would ride
If I drew his number, I'd hide

He weren't no bull to mess with
He was real and not no myth
Done killed three rides in a row
Over at the Cheyenne Rodeo

Gorin' cowboys in the air
Gougin' riders who dared
Hookin' horns in cowboy sides
And any part a cowboy provides

So, we rigged him up with a dummy
A cowboy mannequin crash dummy
And he had the best ride on record
Half a minute before he was gored

But then that bull just had no whoa
He tossed him around like airport cargo
Flipped him up high and hooked him low
A pitcher and a catcher puttin' on a show

Well, that dummy had so many holes
A "Godfather" Machine Gun scene couldn't hold
That bull was a sure -'nuff cowboy perforator
And that's why we called him the Cheese Grater Maker

WHOA, BUCK!

When I was just startin' to learn my way
I heard my dad quite often say
"Whoa" or some such as that
Especially when I got near his good hat

"Whoa" was most often over-used at home
With a toddler such as me, just startin' to roam
It was probably the first word I ever heard
Later it was the hands' most favorite word

Now, back in those days, most things came from a catalog
Being quite young, I thought I heard 'em say "cattle dog"
Anything that was needed was ordered and brought by mail
On the day of arrival, excitement and disappointment prevailed

Over and over again that scene played out as I grew up
And each time I was expecting to see a brand-new pup
Finally, just when I was old enough to help with feeding
Dad came home with two good pups of stock dog breeding

I was still young enough when I heard 'em talk about catalog shopping
Always from the same mail order outfit, according to my eavesdropping
Well, I thought that's where dad got my two new best buddies
In fact, I was sure of it, as sure as I am of the prevailing westerlies

I begged and begged Dad to let me keep 'em as a pair
They were Aussie sheepdogs with extra long hair
It was Summer time and Dad said they needed a cut
So he got out the clippers and they both got plucked

Just then, I thought of the perfect name for each
I was remembering that catalog and my childhood speech,
When I thought about how I'd come to such good luck
So I gave 'em their special names, "Shears" and "Whoabuck"

COWBOY CONTEST

It was a cowboy contest between me and Frank

We had a bet on just which horse was rank

I said, "I'll bet a fiver, I can go higher'n you"

Frank just grinned with his hand out, waiting for his due

I watched close as Frank left his seat and grabbed a cloud

I was comin' down and hit hard with a boom so loud

I fell through a roof and down to the basement coals

Then a horned feller looked me over, then looked at his rolls

"You're early pard, I don't have you on the list for today"

"So, just look around and see if you'd like to stay."

I saw bankers and lawyers and politicians, fanning flames

A few Apache bucks, a snakeoil man and Jesse James

Brimstone highways and byways everywhere I traveled

Just where was I, and why was I here? I was sure baffled

Then the feller with the horns and tail gave me a pass

"Go back up from where you came, up above the grass"

As soon as I picked myself up and dusted off my britches

Here come Frank with pole and line and two giant fishes

"What happened to you," I said, "and what you got there?

"Well, Frank said, I went so high, I couldn't even breathe the air"

"And when I came back down, I landed hard over in the lake"

"All the water splashed out and left these two floppin' on the bank"

I knew he'd never believe how hard I landed from going a lot higher

So I just reached down in my pocket and handed over my fiver.

DON'T FORGET THE PAST

Baby Boomers growing up in the sixties
Ed Sullivan had Rock stars and pixies
Lawrence Welk had music for old folks
Laugh-In and Hee-Haw had all the jokes

From the Byrds and the Beatles to the Hawks and Doves
It was a time of great hate mixed with peace and love
Race wars down South and civil unrest in the West
An Asian war and students marching in protest

FM radio was a baby boomer too
No commercials or maybe just a few
Ralph Nader warned us about the Corvair
Spiro told the taxman he just didn't care

Euell Gibbons told us to eat tree bark
A guy with long hair and gold watch could be a narc
Jerry Rubin told us Yippies were just real fine
Garcia said "A friend of the devil is a friend of mine"

Acapulco Gold, Mary Jane and Purple Haze
Roach clips, head shops, peace signs, Acid fog days
Physcedelic Rock, Physcedelic Art and Peter Max
Free Love, Make Love Not War, Give Peace a Chance

Waterpipes, waterbeds, bell-bottoms and Tie-Dye
Flower power, matchboxes, and gettin' high
J.F.K., M.L.K., Malcolm and Bobby gone
Lyndon and Tricky Dick just downright wrong

Woodstock, culture shock, and Armstrong on the moon
Carnal Knowledge, Deep Throat and hippies in a commune
Ken and Barbie, go-go boots and mini-skirts
Draft dodgers, bra burners and streaking extroverts

Long, beautiful, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen hair
Ladies' beachwear covered less than their underwear
Itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini
James Bond wanted a shaken, not stirred, martini

Trying hard to find a better way into tomorrow
Up on the silver screen we watched Bisset and Bardot
Dylan took us on a trip upon his magic ship
Woodward and Bernstein let the secret slip

Russian missiles and the British Invasion
At war with war. Sit-Ins for any occasion
"I Ain't Marchin' Anymore," Hell No We Won't Go!
Agent Orange and Tiny Tim with a tulip tiptoe

Nothing's quite as nasty as Napalm in the morning
This is a test, this is only a test, came the warning
Duck and Cover, hide your head was the battle cry
Practice, like a turtle in his shell, so you won't die

Right On, Power To the People and Women's Rights
Roe and Wade in court. Manson slicing through the night
Have a Teem®, have a Like®, try Tab® or Squirt® or Fresca®
Join the caravan headin' for the West Coast mecca

Civil Rights, Voting Rights and Social Change
Activism, for an altruism exchange
"Down with Hate," "Up with People." "People who need people"
Planned parenthood without the help of a knitting needle

Leather jacket colors on the road, on a chopper
Celebrate the freedom like Easy Rider, Dennis Hopper
Visit the Hog Farm, ask Wavy Gravy for a meal
Concern for inner beauty more and less for sex appeal

Dichotomy of the sixties, generational divide
Young and old, peace and war, will always collide
Baby Boomers shown the light and it was bright
Those who came after missed the show and lack hindsight

AI TIME

I've heard of Standard Time,
And Daylight Saving Time.
Then came Mormon Time,
And finally, Navajo Time.

Now, we have a new handle,
Forced upon us by a vandal.
Artificial is his name,
But intelligence ain't his game.

AI time is the new designation,
Designed for pure agitation.
AI can't tell time for beans.
There's no metronome in an AI's genes.

AI doesn't know the length of a day,
The difference between night and day,
Or the tick tock of the clock.
Talks the talk but can't walk the walk.

AI will say "goodnight"
While the sun is high in the sky
Or a good morning greeting
In your afternoon meeting.

It's a global disconnect
A multi time-zone aspect
Continuous jet-lag fog
Where the tail wags the dog

STASH LASS NEEDED

How long should a cowboy's mustache be?
At least a foot or two, or maybe three?
Handlebar style, curled and rolled
Waxed and starched, a sight to behold

The largest cowboy mustache I ever saw
Was ten feet, tip to tip, and that's not raw
Styled like a longhorn's projection
An obvious measure of his affection

The cowboy wearin' it needed assistance
Just to navigate a windy bit of resistance
He had two blonde beauties at his side
Each protecting their half of the ride

A handlebar that big made me wonder
Just how you hire help was a stumper
Did the want-ad read something like this?
"Two lovelies to be stash lass bliss"

What skills are required to hang on?
What kind of handlebar brawn?
A girl on each side with hands up high
Bracing the stash against the sky

No wonder he needed the girls
A stash like that can cause a whirl
As he walks through the crowd,
The girls are bodyguards and proud

Without the curl and the roll,
How long would it be, all told?
Long enough to drag on the ground?
Long enough to trip and fall down?

What does he do when it's not displayed?
When the cowboy is not on parade?
Does he coil it up tight like his lasso?
And shove it in his pocket with his tobacco?

Imagine a working cowboy with a job on the side
Competing with a longhorn steer for pride
It's got to cause a lot of befuddlement
The other hands must surely engage in scuttlebutt

How handy could a cowboy be with a stash that big?
Surely, he wouldn't be working the branding iron rig
He can't shove cows down the alley and into the chute
Unless, perhaps if he were to tuck his stash into his boot

A cowboy mustache as a handicap, who'd a thunk it?
He can never take a little nap, for fear he might bump it
How does he travel from place to place?
In a trailer, standing up side-ways?

When it's time for a trim, does he go to a barber or beautician?
Or is there some other profession for the job, like a magician?
A specialized salon for stylin' a cowboy's mustache
Careful with that curlin' iron, or it's all gone in a flash

Obviously, this is an old memory from long ago
Before today's bureaucratic permits for wide loads
Today, it'd take a much larger crew for transport
Flaggers fore and aft and a navigational sort

ADA compliance rules won't work, not in the least
A three-foot walkway ain't wide enough even if it's greased
A cargo elevator from corner to corner if the stash is bent
Might get the cowboy off the ground when he's heaven sent.

Is it a majestic facial statement or a logistical nightmare?
Everywhere he goes, he's a travelin' freak show with a fanfare
More "dandy" than cowboy and more senseless than sensical
Even when the crowds' reactions are somewhat hysterical.

But, it's California and Hollywood cowboys just ain't real
It's all for show and no go. Wannabe wranglers lookin' for a deal
And what about those who came late, do they use a weave or extension?
Horse hair plucked from Trigger's tail, just to get a little more attention?

No Sir, a cookie duster is all that is needed and that's for certain
Anything more and you're just a vaudevillian waitin' behind the curtain
A spectacle for circus amusement, but worthless for real work
With a stash that big, you'll need a personality to match, or you're just a quirk.

TALL TALE TELLERS' CONVENTION

I 'spect that we been tellin' tall tales,

Ever since Eve said that snake told her what to do.

And you know, over time, fish become whales,

And now here we are, still stretchin' the truth.

Oh, it's the truth alright, just ask anyone.

They'll all tell you that's exactly the way it went,

And if you still don't believe me, when I'm done,

Well, then you must be here by some sorta accident.

Now this here is the occasion of the gathering -

The annual Tall Tale Tellers world-wide convention.

Over two hundred representatives blathering,

And more from some countries we can't mention.

That's because those countries ain't been born yet,

But they got them some fine tellers of tall tales for sure.

And to leave 'em out, means we'd lose their bet.

You know, as Windies go, some might be a bit obscure.

Early this morn, we had a guy who looked like Wilford Brimley,

Get up here and try to tell us that he knew all the outlaws,

From John Wilkes Booth and beyond, and he didn't say it timidly.

But, we all knew he was stretchin' it, and just goin' for the applause

Then the next feller, called himself Buck, he did; Well, he had no luck.

No sir, no luck atall, when he said he had the grandaddy of 'em all.

But, he pulled on that long bow so hard, he was plumb outta pluck.

So he didn't score in the contest atall, with the judges saying he dropped the ball.

So far, the best whopper of the day was about two prospectors up in Alaska.

It was one of the two who told the tale, but I know he never left Nebraska.

But, according to him, they was gettin' the gold and haulin' it out on a steamer.

Well, they loaded so much gold on just one side, that the steamer was a leaner.

As they was a headin' back down to 'Frisco, with that ship listin' to one side,

Along came a giant whale, and with one slap of his tale, all their hopes just died.

So over the side they went and down deep to the bottom of the sea,

Lookin' for the gold they craved - just to be richer than you and me.

They was down there for an awful long time, looking around.

Some say they're still down there now, 'cause they ain't never been found.

Now the feller, who was the teller of the tale, swears it's all absolutely true.

And I 'spect he should know, 'cause he was one of the two.

HASSAYAMPA HOEDOWN

There's a place I know, out west, where the truth is never told,

Where the tallest tales are told with absolute conviction.

Oh, they can't help but tell new tales the same as the old.

Something in the water there, forces this addiction.

Believe me, when I say, this is the bona fide truth, I tells.

The story of the Hassayampa Hoedown in 1866,

When the pack trains came through town - with camels.

Now, you think I'm confabulatin' this but I say "fiddlesticks."

Now, those camels got mighty thirsty and so they got their wishes -

From the waters of the dry Hassayampa bed of sand,

And who knows but they didn't also swallow some sandfishes.

From that day on they were the only talking camels in the land.

Now the camel, named Arthur, says to the other, that he's tired of lumbering -

Across the desert and back with heavy ore packed on his back.

Says King, the other, "Why don't we go on strike, this load is too encumbering."

And so the camels laid down and refused to be the hack.

Now, Hi Jolly, the camel jockey, was beside himself with fret.

He had a job, under contract with the army, to pack these supplies,

So a ruse he pulled upon his lazy camels and he hedged his bet.

He told them they could have a hoedown right before his eyes.

Well, you know, dancin' camels is a sight to behold and that's no doubt.

All the townsfolk came down to marvel and watch the show.

Hi Jolly sold tickets to the crowd and made enough money to shout.

What a spectacle that day with camels on display and Hi Jolly in the dough.

As time went on, the thrill became greater than anyone could ever know.

The town insisted that Hi Jolly and his camels must stay and play.

It would be good for the tourist trade to have such a wonderful show,

So they erected a huge circus tent on the edge of town - out Wickenburg Way.

Hi Jolly hung up a sign and it's still there to this very day.

It's a place where used transportation is sold and bought.

Just out east of town - out there on the highway,

As you pass by, be sure to look for the sign that says King & Arthur's Camel Lot

REASON FOR ROPING

See her rub that mesquite bush -
Before I can get up a rush,
And build a loop to throw,
Screw worm eggs begin to show.

Rope and doctor, rope and doctor.
If cow dies, calf has no adopter.
Day after day, nighttime too,
A job that takes a crew.

Keep the loop ever ready.
The work is more'n steady.
Rope 'em and treat 'em -
Move on to the next one.

No time for a break.
Grab a bite crossing the lake.
More cows on the other side.
Come on horse, let's ride.

Here comes Shorty packin' -
More supplies to keep me trackin'.
Screw worms winnin' on the board.
Cowboys down and out-scored.

Researchers have a better plan.
Drop sterile males across the land.
Still we ride and rope and treat -
Any cow standing in the mesquite

Die little screw worm, have no dinner.
You won't come out the winner.
We're all so glad you're about to die.
Goodbye little screw worm, goodbye.

WORD RODEO

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the arena is set.

The flag is waving, the anticipation and excitement will be met.

All the contestant fees have been verified,

And now it's time for us to watch the tested and the tried.

We're about to begin the world's first ever Word Rodeo.

And y'all are the privileged folks who get to see the show.

So let's start with a thunderous applause right off the bat,

And let these contestants know where they're at.

Now, I know you've never been to one of these shindigs before,

So let me explain some rules and a few things to look out for.

Our judges will be looking for several things to appear -

Originality and authenticity are just two of the things they expect to hear.

Humor, emotion and quality storytelling are all set to fill the air.

Our contestants are seasoned veterans and some brand new to the affair.

They'll all be competing in different categories and for the grand prize.

First up, here's a Montana cowboy with a story 'bout woolies on his thighs.

Oh, what a shame, that's a no-score 'cause he didn't wear any wool chaps.

But, the judges say, he'll be able to come back after a short time-lapse.

Next up, from the southern circuit, a cowgirl with a story 'bout some dust.

Give 'er a hand and make it good, she's chompin' to bust.

Mighty fine, she'll take a nine, the judges say, and that puts her in the lead

But with 20 more to go in this round, can she hold, can she succeed?

Let the judges know what you think of her with a good round of applause.

Her competition will be trying to knock her off, like this feller from La Paz.

And finally, we come down to the last cowboy in this contest.

He's gonna tell us all 'bout the matchstick brand on his chest

Oh, wait, our no-score cowboy still has a chance.

So, he's gonna get up here for a cowboy poem and a buck dance.

Well, we hope you found some fun, some laughs and a good time

That's the end of our first Word Rodeo with the last cowboy in line

Our judges have decided to award the grand prize

Amazingly to the cowboy without the woolies on his thighs.

Hey folks, what a ride we've been taken on tonight

If you agree, let's let all our contestants know - alright?

(As the applause roars and the music swells, the contestants hear

The greatest payoff ever for a performer - the crowd's honest cheer!)

THE CARD DECK RACE

They were all lined up at the starting gate
The announcer had the call
Joker scratched for being late
And there goes the ball

And they're off with Aces leadin' the whole pack
The Kings are in second place but comin' on strong
Queens neck and neck in the number three slot with Jacks
And Ten-Spot trailing behind by a full furlong

Seven, Eight and Nine are crowdin' on the inside
Ahead of the field of Four, Five, and Six
With Deuce and Trey trailing far, far behind
'Round the first turn and the order is still in fix

The Aces are holding their own with a comfortable lead
While the Kings and Queens battle it out on the rail
Jacks and Tens trading places with terrific speed
Out from the back, it's Deuces wild! Look at 'em sail

On the final stretch now and the field is changing
Hearts are pounding and Spades are digging in
Clubs are beating Diamonds, but Diamonds are rearranging
Looks like it's gonna be a Poker Race with a shoo-in

At the wire it's Ace, King, Queen, Jack, and Ten of Hearts
Royal Flush takes the win with Straight Flush in second place
Four of a Kind finishes out the Trifecta on the race charts
And the windows are open now, paying off in the poker race

This is your track announcer, Phil McLleven with this word
From Gamblers Anonymous:

Betting is really like eating pistachios.
If you get a good one, you want another good one.
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more.
And that is gambling for you, in a nutshell.

© 2026 Brian McNeal

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RADIOS 'N RODEOS

WESTERN RHYMES

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