CHRISTMAS COOKIES
'Twas the occasion of the cookie exchange party
Six couples get together, hungry, healthy and hearty
Bring six dozen homemade cookies to the affair
Go home with six dozen exchanged if you dare
Knowing that they were, everyone, good horse folk
And being a prankster, it was a good occasion for a joke
The cookies I made and took looked like something they all knew
The corral stuff you step over so it won't get on your shoe
Road Apple specimens is what I put on the lable
And sure 'nuff they looked to be completely able
To fill the bill and live up to their name
The bag they take to the vet for a fecal test looks the same
"Ooh," "ick," "gross" and even worse, if you can believe it
A lot of the guests passed 'em by; they couldn't conceive it
But then some brave soul decided to try a sample
And the bite he took was more than ample
The smile on his face gave everyone a shock
They were expecting at least a squawk
I had 'em all fooled up till then, I reckon
At least, that is, until he went back for seconds
Bourbon balls is what they were when Mom made 'em
All I had to do was slightly squash and dent 'em
Now everyone wants my Road Apple delights
Famous Amos called the other day, wantin' to buy the rights
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HORSE APPLES FOR BREAKFAST
Horse apples for breakfast, lunch and dinner
Not too appealing but it'll sure make you thinner
Better'n a roadkill diet when and where you can find it
You know you can't just go to the store and buy it
Middle of the street after a parade if you're quick
Gather 'em up like marshmellows on a stick
Four-legged machines make 'em if you buy the grass
Lots of horsepower and never any gas
Craigslist sellers bag 'em for sale or barter
Organic compost for your garden starter
Meals-ready-to-eat for your canine friends
Since you can't keep 'em out of the horse pens
You don't really have to make like sushi and eat it raw
Cook 'em with horse apple brickettes for the inlaws
Horse apple tea, hot or cold for young and old
Letting it go to waste is like throwing out your gold
Mix 'em with a little rum or burbon whiskey
Rolled up in powdered sugar, they're nifty
Just one horse makes a batch to serve fifty
Put 'em on a doyley on a plate and serve with tea
A vegitarian diet of alfalfa sprouts pelletized
Goes real well with a side of french fries
Pre-digested fiber for intestinal fortitude
It's pure love to have your food already chewed
Horse apples for the entrée, and the main course
Apple pie for desert, warm, right from the horse
Morning, noon and night, now to be a contest winner
Just eat horse apples for breakfast, lunch and dinner
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SOME THINGS CHANGE AND SOME THINGS DON'T
When my grandad was just a lad, his grandad
Told him about mail carried by Pony Express
He said it cost him a buck but he was glad
'Cause the letter got there in ten days or less
Now the postal service wants to take that same buck
And the same ten days to deliver from coast to coast
They say they're in need of a complete reconstruct
Unlike the Pony Express, ain't nothin' about it worthy of a boast
They're losin' money because they can't keep in step
The music played on while they marched in time
The world changed right around 'em while they failed to prep
Communication is almost free and they still want their rates to climb
Talk about closing the barn door after the horse is out
The USPS is so far behind the times with envisioning
While we're talking to the moon, they wanna shout
About how expensive their operation is for provisioning
It's yesterday's Pony Express mentality that got 'em where they are
It was good enough for grandad's grandad, but
Failure to progress and adapt in time has lost 'em the infowar
Now the horse is out of the barn, and they want the door shut.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/usps-stamp-price-increase-95-cents/
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A gentleman in polite society
No drinking, no smoking, no ammo
Well-bred from English stock
Perfect cover to hold up the stage from Wells Fargo
History buffs might already know his name
But for the rest, I'll continue, if you have the perseverance
His undoing was less about his disguise
And more to do with his everyday appearance
But, before I tell you that, let me tell you this:
He became more famous for his poetry
He liked to leave a verse behind
After completing his robbery
The poet bandit is what he was called
In old California where much Spanish is spoken
Po-Ocho is the literal translation
Of his signature left behind as a token
He never harmed anyone
And never loaded his shotgun
He said "please" and "thank you"
Grabbed his loot and took off on the run
Twenty Eight times he stopped the coach
But, in that place with the jumping frogs
He left some things behind
Agents found them hidden in some old logs
A gentleman's handkerchief
Is all it took to do him in
Detectives ID'd the laundry mark
Tracked him down to a room at the Inn
Afraid of horses, he always escaped on foot
It's hard to catch a crook who is that smart
But everything eventually must end
And now you know the story of Black Bart
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