WESTERN RHYMES: DUDES 'N PRUDES

FREE COWS

"You catch 'em, You keep 'em!"

Is what the government ad said.

"Gates Open At Six-AM."

"A Chance To Get Your Own Spread."

Who could resist a deal like that?

Not even Lucifer could top that deal.

The message found every gunsel with a hat.

Most couldn't believe the offer was real.

Well, there were trucks and trailers -

Lined up all the way back to Yarnell.

Wannabes, tailors, nailers, and even a few sailors,

An army private and a Kentucky colonel.

Seems everyone had 'em a plan.

The old west was alive again.

Get the free cows then find some land.

Just like the movie with John Wayne.

Things ain't always as easy as they seem.

"There ain't no free lunch" granddad said.

But, that ain't gonna stop no one's dream.

"The soup is free, but ya pay for the bread!"

Well, they opened the gates and the trail -

Started to move in past the guard.

Down the narrow jeep track, head to tail,

Only to find out just how hard.

Well, the first sign was the canyon walls.

A six hundred forty acre ranch,

And all of it 'bout three thousand feet tall.

You'd have to be a mountain goat to make the catch.

If it wasn't straight up and down,

Well, it was darn close and that's no lie.

No free cows today boys - back to town.

You ain't gonna catch these unless you can fly.

A vertical spread with all the acreage up and down.

A man could get mighty woozy -

Just lookin' from the sky to the ground.

Next time, be a lot more choosy.

Well, it seems they got some small fame,

When the story was printed in the Yarnell Clarion.

Tellin' all about the government's game,

And the day fifty wannabe cowboys turned vegetarian.

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THE WORST KIND

He was a lickspittle gunsel and there ain't nothing worse

Whenever he was around, the rest of the hands would curse

Black cats and Friday the thirteenth were welcome after him

Bad luck just seemed to happen to life, liberty and limb

We all used to think the lowest form of slime was a gunsel

But, after workin' with him, the entire crew held counsel

What would be the best thing to do, to avoid and defend?

Ideas were bandied about and tossed aside until the bitter end

Just before the roundup was tallied up and wages paid out

We all launched into our plan to make sure he was nowhere about

The next roundup and drive would be free of his kind for sure

That was the year we found the lickspittle gunsel cure

Now the boss of this outfit was good-natured enough to go along

He'd had his own fill of this adolescent toady and his brown-nosin' song

So when we laid out the plan, he jumped right in and added more frills

When we did the dress rehearsal, the boss showed us a few new skills

Next season, we had the boss all decked out in women's clothes

We borrowed all the face paint and lip rouge and even hair bows

He played the part better'n we expected - even riding sidesaddle

Barkin' out orders in his best girly voice until the boys began to unravel

Not a cowboy in the outfit would listen to or follow orders from a dame

There she sat, up on that high-horse, crackin' the whip and playin' the game

Until, one by one, each of us threw down our kit and walked away

Out behind the barn, it was hard to hold a dozen cowboy snickers at bay.

But we peaked and watched until there weren't no one left but the boss

In that getup, and all alone atop his horse, he looked mighty lost

When he rode on by us, the fellers' fuses burnt out, and they all let loose.

Hee haws and yeehaws and belly laughs, but we were free of that gunsel refuse

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QUIRTS BY THE PAIR

He carried ivory handled quirts.

One on each side, is the way it works.

A twin pair for show and style,

For a dandy with a wide smile.

Best quirt marksman in the West.

Quickest quirts, either right or left.

Deadly at short range,

Snatch a dime and give change.

But worthless as can be,

Against a far away enemy.

Even twenty paces was too far,

For the handler to make a scar.

Which is why he was called a dandy.

All for show but not very handy.

Mostly just in the way,

For gunfights and card play.

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OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT

When you're gittin' all fired up

for that dude ranch vacation.

Just look on the internet

for the proper wardrobe formation.

The first thing they'll tell ya

right off, is ya gotta have boots.

That's because they get a kick-back

from the brand, with whom they're in cahoots.

But the part that frosts this cowboy's hide,

they don't know nothing 'bout the gear.

They just mimic what some other fool said,

or maybe they're just not able to hear.

There's no cowboy in the west

who would admit to wearing a wild rag.

A dude, a dandy or a pilgrim, maybe,

but cowboys use a bandana to ride drag.

A kerchief on an old cowboy

might look starched and fancy.

But don't insult him by calling it a wild rag,

'cause that's something worn by a Nancy.

Now this ain't nothin' new,

shop clerks have always been outfittin'

dudes with costumes since the beginning,

but that's not somethin' they'd ever be admittin'.

Oh, they'll sell you a real cowboy hat,

with a little, itty-bitty stampede string,

fastened with thin, bendable metal tabs,

but, you'll buy a replacement when the wind says another thing.

They'll have your credit card maxed out,

but remember, their intentions are terribly skewed.

They'll have you buyin' stuff that advertises your dude status.

But, you'll only look like a cowboy to another dude.

So when you go to searchin',

lookin' for just the right place to start.

Take this tip from me and avoid

any site that says, you can LOOK the part.

© 2026 Brian McNeal

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BUTCH AND THE POET

A thoughtful phonetic fanatic lived upstairs
A phonetic fanatic in the attic—who cares
Sympathetic and yet copacetic to be alone
Not apathetic but possibly diabetic, diagnosis unknown

Prophetic and frenetic, he wore a prosthetic
Audiology in his biography, he was also poetic
Obviously magnetic but simply not apologetic
Eschewed views—somewhat anti-Semitic

It was a situation unseen in this nation
He was given a citation and put on probation
He resigned to grow carnations and raise dalmations
He lived through the duration with frustration

His phonetic fascination was his own ruination
He developed a fixation for a certain libation
Then he took a vacation to see a relation
To avoid litigation and mandatory donation

He played a concertina in the rodeo arena
With a Latina girl named Corina from the cantina
They collected Kachinas next to the marina
Then he got the subpoena and skipped to Argentina

A phonetic fanatic on the lamb
A telegram put him in a jam
It wasn't verbena, but marijuana and more than a gramme
With Corina in Argentina, now living in an ashram

Living his life actively passively
And sporadically lavishly
Emphatically avoiding reality
He accidentally met Butch Cassidy

Now he and Butch are on a stage
An accordion and a six-gun with rage
Vandals with handles in sandals behind the Spanish Broom
Noms de plume who entertain the room

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HANK AND THE ATHEIST LADY

Hank was takin' a long overdue trip back East by stage
Sittin' right next to him was a fancy lady of middle age
"It's going to be a long trip. Would you like to talk?" she says to Hank
"It would make the trip seem shorter and nicer, don'tcha thank?"

"Well, I suppose that would be just fine, Ma'am", Hank said
"Do you have anything specific in mind, Ma'am?" as he scratched his head.
"Being athiest, she proclaimed, "How 'bout why there is no God or Heaven or Hades?"
"And I know for a fact there is no life after death. Not for men and not for ladies"

"Well, I reckon that sure would fill up the time," said Hank
"And I imagine, by all accounts, we could have us a real fine think-tank"
"But first, let me ask you a question, Ma'am, if you please"
To which the fancy lady, sitting next to him, nodded with a tease.

"The deer, the cow and the horse all eat the same stuff"

"And if you'll pardon me Ma'am, this may sound a little rough,"
"But the deer excrete little pellets, the cow makes a flat pie,"
"While the horse dumps clumps." "Can you tell me why?"

The stage rolled on down the line and the lady mulled it over in her brain
Then finally confessed she didn't know but also didn't see that it was germane
"Well," said Hank, "you seem to be a fine lady of intelligence, yet here you sit,"
"Wanting to discuss something as complex as the hereafter when you don't know shit"

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RANGE MANGE

There once was a guy on the range
Who, most thought very strange
He bathed every night
Washed clothes back to white
But neglected to treat his mange

His face and head were quite hairy
He lived and worked on the prairie
Dust and dirt all day
The tools of his play
No wonder he was contrary

His head was filled with lice
So take this kindly advice
Sleep far away, alone
In a new time zone
You might sleep near once but never twice

Most of the cowboys have great pride
But he can't take care of his cowboy hide
He was given the chance
But wouldn't learn the dance
So his cowboy hide we fried

One night at the local saloon
He blew up the sheriff's balloon
A night in jail
With no possible bail
Now he's singing a different tune

While he was locked up tight
His pards raided his campsite
With protective suits donned
They worked dusk till dawn
Exterminating all the mites

Now for a joke upon their friend
Who learned his lesson in the end
Words heard, were quite obscene
Campsite doused with kerosene
But his ways, he did amend

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CELEBRATING HER BIRTHDAY

The cowboy and his lady
Were planning their weekend
As he said to her, "It's your birthday,"
"What would you like, girlfriend?"

After some careful thought
She said, "I'd like to be six again"
And so the cowboy started to think
And set in motion his wonderful plan

Early Saturday morn
He woke her with breakfast in bed
Frosted Froot Loops, chocolate milk
And grape jam on her bread

Then off to Six Flags for fun
The Death Slide, Wall of Fear
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
And everything new this year

Late that day, with her head reeling
And her stomach upside down
He got her a Happy Meal and fries
And a birthday balloon from the clown

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn and candy,
A double feature with Spanky and the crew,
And a brand-new Disney animation, just out,
All about a lovable, friendly bear named Pooh

Exhausted, she wobbled home and fell into bed
"Well, dear," he said, "what was it like to be six once more?"
Exasperated, disgusted and upset,
She said, "I meant my dress size you uncouth bore."

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The Atheist Lady and Hank

"Here you sit in front of me, foul and rank"
Said the Atheist lady to her traveling partner, Hank
"You've got dirt under your nails and manure on your boots"
"And you think God must be a cowboy 'cause you're grassroots"

"I've studied 'em all from the Torah to the Quran and all the other 'jokes'"
"So, I've done my work and I can testify, it's all just a big hoax"
"Fairytales with elaborate schemes and miracles you can't prove"
"Translations distorted over time to say whatever behooved"

"You have an irrational reliance on superstitions and supernatural nonsense"
"Hocus Pocus rituals and disagreements about basic concepts"
"Most of your Christian friends can't find answers to the questions they seek"
"But take the high moral ground on Sundays and devil-may-care the rest of the week"

"Your argument that God is real because the Bible tells you so"
"Is illogical evidence. Like saying counterfeit money is real because it's pseudo"
"The Bible is merely manufactured evidence of a fraud you choose to believe"
"I choose to believe it's false, which makes you think, you're better than me"

After listening patiently, Hank finally replied, "Well, you do seem to know a lot"
"And you have answers for a corral full of questions that I never even thought"
"But why is it so important to you to prove that you're right, and I am wrong?"
If you really understood anything, you'd know that Jesus just wanted us all to get along"

"If I believe in a life after this, and you don't, what difference does it make?"
"What have I got, that you don't, that you think you have to take?"
As the stage pulled up to the depot and the wheels stopped squeeking
A bolt of lightning struck the coach and Hank said, "I hear God speaking"

Well, the lady was sure 'nuff knocked right off her feet
And as cowboy Hank helped her up, he straightened her hat to look neat
He said: "So what do you think? Was that a scientific concussion?"
"Or were you even listening when God decided to enter into the discussion?"

© 2026 Brian McNeal

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NEVER HEARD IN THE OLD WEST

Well, we know there are words that were never heard,
Never used, abused, shouted, whispered or slurred.
But, customs and ideas change over time.
And so does the media, where words we find.

Now, some words and phrases are questionable,
And some are even more than doubtful.
Then, again, there are those who will defend,
As if they were there right up to the very end.

Some, you already know so, I won't list.
And there might be a few that I missed.
Some are just too malignant,
And others are too insignificant.

But the one phrase I guarantee you'll never guess -
Never uttered by any woman, anywhere in the West.
And you can repeat it without sounding like a prig:
"Does this bustle make my butt look big?"

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DUDES 'N PRUDES

WESTERN RHYMES

Contact BRIAN McNEAL