WESTERN RHYMES: CANARDS

OLD WEST SCENE

"Action!" And the camera rolls

Tight shot on the tapaderos

Boot heel peeking out the back

Western fancy ornamented tack

A desert scene full of Saguaro

Sage and Cholla adorned bolero

Wide, flat brimmed hat, all black

Leather stampede string on the back

Garcia spurs, silver and gold

Ringing in the sun, just an hour old

Hear the horse's tail swish a fly

The story begins as the camera goes high

South of the border the Mexican rides

Crossing the river to the American side

No Federales, no gringo soldiers

His Colt would stay in his holster

Cut to saloon deep inside El Paso

Crowd rowdy with howdy and qué pasó

Swingin' doors behind, bar in front

Crowd stills, barkeep's words are blunt

Mexican spits out his habano cigarro

Dust flies up where he slams down his lasso

A gold tooth peeks through his wicked smile

The camera goes wide by a mile

El Paso in 1920, hot and dry in July

Night breezes with gardenias waft by

The stage is set. A border feud anger

Mexican bandito and a Texas Ranger

The dust settles and the scene is new

What you've seen you were supposed to view

Just as a small Chihuahua dog begins to sell

With captions he says: yo quiero Taco Bell

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LEFTY AND LUCY

"Action!" And the camera rolls

Tight shot on the tapaderos

Boot heel peeking out the back

Western fancy ornamented tack

A desert scene full of Saguaro

Sage and Cholla adorned bolero

Wide, flat brimmed hat, all black

Leather stampede string on the back

Garcia spurs, silver and gold

Ringing in the sun, just an hour old

Hear the horse's tail swish a fly

The story begins as the camera goes high

South of the border the Mexican rides

Crossing the river to the American side

No Federales, no gringo soldiers

His Colt would stay in his holster

Cut to saloon deep inside El Paso

Crowd rowdy with howdy and qué pasó

Swingin' doors behind, bar in front

Crowd stills, barkeep's words are blunt

Mexican spits out his habano cigarro

Dust flies up where he slams down his lasso

A gold tooth peeks through his wicked smile

The camera goes wide by a mile

El Paso in 1920, hot and dry in July

Night breezes with gardenias waft by

The stage is set. A border feud anger

Mexican bandito and a Texas Ranger

Pancho's cantina on a narrow dusty street

Lefty in the corner tellin' tales that can't be beat

The crowd sees Pancho comin' through the door

A cheer goes up and a round of drinks are poured

No feudin' tonight, Pancho was in disguise

Border crossing and gun running and all that implies

Pancho and Lefty sit together at a corner table

Heads facing the door, gun hands ready and able

Lucy twirls to the center with her castanets

A Fandango it is as Lefty wagers his bets

Lucinda on the southern side of the line

Lucy in the saloon by considered design

Masterful at costumes and concealment

She dressed Pancho to look like the president

Next he looked like a vaudeville girl with feathers

No one knew just who he was, not now or ever.

Camera dissolves to 40 years after

Same cantina, same wicked Pancho laughter

Through the door, Lefty dressed as Lucinda

In precious stones, reflecting in the windah

A young English man with long sideburns

Sitting nearby with both ears turned

He listens and hears but says not a word,

Knowing his accent would likely be spurred

Music on the jukebox with a mix of styles

Pancho grinnin' with his gold tooth smiles

Tellin' tales about escapades in the islands

He looked up and said, "Look, it's Lucy in disguise with diamonds"

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A REAL CASH COW

Just skin and bones and lookin' mighty raw

She was the skinniest cow you ever saw

She had the 10X brand on her left hide

But it looked like X01 on the right side

Oh, we tried like the dickens to put on the fat

But she could eat the whole range and look like that

Based on her eating habits, we all called her piggy

But the boss man just called her Twiggy

Once, in the cattle pen, on vaccination day

With the inch-and-a-half long needles in play

We jabbed her quick on her left shoulder

And vaccinated the cow standing next to her

You remember when the wind blew last spring?

Well, we had to go all the way over and pick her up in Deming

Folks thought we were awful cruel, starving her like we did

But they didn't know she had a secret we kept hid

She made us more money than the entire herd

Year after year, her royalty checks were absurd

We cashed those checks at the bank

Over in the next county to keep from looking rank

The money came from the pictures we took

And sent in to a big city magazine for a look

Well, we didn't figure she'd become a real cash cow

As the model for the Ace Reid cartoon cow

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JESUS IS WATCHING

Casing the place for a week

I snuck up for a good peek

Saw no one home

And took it upon my own

As I entered the darkened room

A voice cried out with doom

"Jesus is watching you!"

Now what should I do?

I looked around but saw no one

Where did that voice come from?

Seeing or hearing not a matter

I quietly snuck about without clatter

Just as I opened the silver drawer

It squeaked, so I went slower

But it was too late to stew

Again, "Jesus is watching you!"

Shaken to my core with dread

I looked for the voice that said

I was being watched

Seems like this job was botched

"Land sakes alive!" Just a parrot in a cage

Nothing to justify my rage

Quietly I continued with my search,

Ignoring the bird on the perch

As I moved toward the safe

The bird flapped wings and began to chafe

With much panic and fowl ado

"Jesus is watching you!!!"

With much disgust and disdain

I set about my task again

With the safe door wide open

The bird became more free-spoken

Stuffing the money into my bag

I suddenly felt a snag

No, more than that by a lot

A doberman had me caught

With fear in my eyes and teeth on my leg

I began to scream and beg

Now the bird sang a new song

"Hold him Jesus, it won't be long"

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TEXAS FENCE CUTTER

Now this here is a story

'Bout a Texas cowboy named Bob

Now, you got to know this is true

'Cause this ain't no snow-job

Bob was a top hand

At the Lazy Bar J

And the reason why

Is what I'm about to say

He always carried a certain tool

In his saddlebags, just in case

He was never caught

Without his tool in the wrong place

Now this special tool

That I'm talkin' 'bout

was just a pair of wire cutters

That he was sure to never be without

Now, you see, back in them days

A cowboy pushin' a herd

Could run into a fence

'Causing the herd to be detoured

Well, that just wouldn't do

The fence would have to come down

Or at least enough so

That the herd wouldn't need to go round

Well, Bob, got famous for being the one

Who could always get his herd

Delivered on time or before

You could always count on Bob's word

Bob said he probably cut a million miles

Of fence wire from Texas to Wyoming

Anytime there was a fence

That would stop him from roaming

But then a new law came 'round

Makin' it illegal to do what he done

And Bob, he had to hide his cutters

Or else he'd have to go on the run

But Bob said "that weren't no fair"

He thought they should conceive

That he owned all the wire

Said it was named for him, I believe

Well he took the law to court

With a darned good lawyer on his side

They argued his case

And waited for the judge to decide

No jury, just a judge and a lot of press

The story was written up from Burbank to Baltimore

All about the Fence Cutter

In the case of The State of Texas v. Bob War

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THE MULE LOBBY

A mule lobby? What a hoot
Who thought that would fly?
I imagined a relaxation place
Somethin' like a mule Lanai

You know, a few mules sitting around
Some reading the local news
Swingin' doors leading to the bar
And two mules discussing their views

A swanky extravagance for mules only
No horses or donkeys allowed
A place where mules could be themselves
A special place where they could be proud

But come to find out, that was all wrong
It wasn't a place, no sir, not a place at all
A political movement in the old west
A group who wanted their mules to stand tall

And by comparison, the mules did look dwarfed
No wonder the group had cause for worry
They thought their interests were in jeopardy
So they went to Washington in a big hurry

Red Ghosts is what some people said
Crossing the desert sands out West
Camels with army packs and army contracts

No wonder the mule people were stressed

Well, as it all turned out, the mule people won
The camels were turned out - no longer relevant
One of those groups got awful confused
On the difference between a camel and an elephant

I suppose by now you're already guessing the end
After the camels were all turned out to eat grass
And no longer needed to pack supplies
You know now why the other group's symbol is a jackass

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COOKIE'S SYMPHONIC ORCHESTRA

Cooky was widely known for his meals

Which consisted mostly of beans

Boy howdy, it'd get rowdy when they squeals

'Round the campfire with symphonic means

Nightly entertainment with Cooky's fifth and jokes

Takin' turns lettin' loose with tales and tunes

With a beat that can't be beat 'round any chuckwagon

And at breakfast time we'd do it again with prunes

Well, big Bill Stewart would usually start the show

With his bass bottom, then Sean McGee tootin' high

The windies were flyin' without really tryin' every night

Just as we'd finish one round, Pecos would let another fly

Cooky was our arranger and conductor on his opus

With tempo tapped out from a wooden spoon

He'd signal when your turn come to burn one, in his chosen key

Our Cowboy Symphony was best on nights with a full moon

But it all changed one night when Cooky had a flash fire

Someone wanted the Dutch oven for percussion

Well you never seen such a roarin' blaze in all your days

As when they dumped those beans without discussion

Cooky tried to tell 'em not to be so hasty

As he sprinted over to attempt a bean pot deliverance

Before you know it, he was cussin' in Russian

And beatin' out the flames on his wings like Icarus

Well, with Cooky laid up and unable to perform culinary chores

The boss man found us a temporary cook from the institute

But she was a city vegetarian and that ain't agrarian

And we just weren't sure what to think of this gastronomy recruit

Our first supper was a grumbler from all hands

Lettuce bed with cold beans and somethin' she called Toe-foo

Sprinkled with grains from the plains and toasted buns

Being kind, we ate and sat 'round the fire to spit and chew

But to our surprise, our orchestra fired up right on time

Primed and tuned to perfect pitch for our nightly concert

What a gas for a lass from the city, we thought

But Cooky gave us the sign to hold the herd and keep her dignity unhurt

Oh how we suffered gastronomically without the toot

Holding back the wind like holdin' back the sun and rain

A lot of hands excusin' themselves and usin' the darkness

Returnin' to the fire only to get up and leave once again

Lord help you fellers if your cook needs a sick leave

And hope he heals quick for your sake and your guts'

May be best for at least one of you to learn the cook's book

Just to keep your outfit from becoming the joke of all butts

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THE COWBOY AND THE UFO

Cowboys are accustomed to strange on the range

Day in and day out, working alone, just me and the roan

My horse throws a shoe and I know what to do

Dismount and retrieve it, to refit it, after walking home

But, wait, what is that, as I doffs my hat

The shoe was waiting by some metal plating

A solid liquid, silver, glowing, mind-blowing

How it got here, wasn't clear, I sat debating

It wasn't hot or cold, couldn't tell if new or old

I touched it with the shoe, and it split in two

Laying on the ground, this stuff I found

Unknown matter, prone to scatter like a shrew

Reflecting the sky above like a mirror thereof

Showing possible danger, a stranger object

Blocking out the light, turning day into night

An eerie feeling of doom and gloom I detect

Music and singing, I'm clinging to my reins

Light rays beaming, in it's gleaning

Sucked up my find, not that I mind

But it also took my shoe in its coup, I'm screaming

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

THE STORY OF ROUNDER AND COWBOY HECK

(Or How A Snake Gave Six Cowboys Two Good Meals)

Heck was snugged up in his bedroll

Movin' not a muscle, long after daybreak

It wasn't like Heck to miss the chuck call

"Spectin' he might be dead, we gave him a shake

'Bout the time we started down for a second shake

We heard a soft, rustle of a whispered word

Just one little word, with a hint of panic - "snake"

And we all took ten steps backward

He'd laid there, still as a rock most of the night

He couldn't sleep for fear he might thrash about

Just one little shift and he might get a bite

Fear in his voice. His whisper was his shout

Dodger knew what to do. He told us all to back away

He taken a stick from the fire with a glowing ember

Then burned a lil' hole down where the blanket would fray

With a well-lit cigar he blew smoke right into December

Well, that rattler slithered on out right past Heck's nose

And he kept on travelin' til we thought he was supernatural

Ten feet long and big as a log. No wonder Heck was froze

Dodger forked that reptile and Heck just said "Holy Mackerel"

We had a rattler breakfast and stretched his skin a good deal

Heck had one of them animal stuffers fill his hide

He told 'em to put his tail in his mouth and make a wheel

From that day on, it was his pet, his kick on the side

He called him Rounder and they went everywhere together

Heck would give him a push with a broom and down the road they went

Rounder at break-neck speed and Heck riding 'long side in saddle leather

Until the day his snake got out of control and ended up bent

The one thing Heck didn't think of, is that wheel had no brake

Well, it got to rollin' downhill so fast, Heck couldn't keep pace

He was a quarter hour behind, when he heard the chickens scream: "SNAKE"

That wheel went through the chicken wire right into the hen house

Ladie's unmentionables were scattered all about

The clothesline was empty 'septin' for one single blouse

The snake wheel was tangled in feathers, clothesline and doubt

The chicken coop was just out back of he local bawdyhouse

Well, the sheriff had to come and investigate the poultry fatality

Told Heck he'd have to pay for damages and curtail his wreckless ways

But all us boys were invited over for a Sunday chicken dinner formality

And that wheel was cut up into numerous belts, 'spenders and foundation stays

~ PAUSE FOR EFFECT ~

A SNAKE'S TALE

But wait, I never did tell you 'bout Rounder's rattle

His tale was so big, we had to cut it off with a hatchet

And the noise it made could make the dead addled

We carried it around, rolled up in a piece of Heck's blanket

That way, it'd keep silent and not spook the horses

Until we wanted to use it for a gag or defense purposes

Like the time we snuck it into the projection house, of course

That place emptied out faster than a barker skinnin' folks at the circus

Once, we had a cook pullin' the chuckwagon with mules

And them mules was slower than a Sunday speech maker

No matter what we did, they just followed their own rules

So Heck tied that rattle onto the back of that Studebaker

Well, them mules thought sure that snake was comin' after 'em

So they stepped up and trotted so quick, they beat the herd

Now every time we tell that story, we just laugh again

'Cause it was the first time we had a hot lunch without a curse word

Then Heck went and traded it off to some old tame Injun in Three Forks

After-all, we'd had 'bout all the fun we could outta that old rattle

We didn't see that Injun 'round town much after that, but we heard reports

According to him, that snake's tail was the reason Custer lost the battle

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A FISH TALE YOU WON'T BELIEVE

The flies were dancing on the water

Fishermen lined up on both banks

The world record would be slaughtered

The annual derby for the trout fishing ranks

We'd all seen her in years gone past

And some said they caught and released

Though that was hard to stand fast

She must be three feet long at least

Famous for gettin' off the hook

Some said she ate hooks for dinner

Certain that she played them for a rook

Stealing their title of "Winner"

She bit my line in two more'n once

And she did the same to others

A sly rainbow with fox-like stunts

Taunting, she has other druthers

Year after year we did the same

Lined up on the banks with rod and reel

Waiting to see if she'd be game

Each year we go home with no deal

This year just felt right somehow

With new Vanadium steel hooks

Escape, I will no longer allow

She'll be stuffed and mounted for looks

Fly dancing just above the surface

And she jumped up for the bait

On my line, you bet I'm nervous

Just reel her in slow, let her wait

Oh, my, great Scotts, look at her size!

Four feet, tip to tail and then some

Weighed in on the scale to my surprise

One hundred pounds without my thumb

A record for a rainbow trout

Unbelievable but undeniable

The proof was there, without a doubt

The trophy was mine, and justifiable

Oh, the bragging rights and fish tales

You should'a heard me tell 'em

"Fisherman of the Year" - with scales

Said the photo in the news item

Four feet was just shy of the record

But she out-weighed 'em all by twice

A huge smile but yes, I was floored

Now every sportsman wants my advice

But they soon came and took my title

I didn't cheat, but they put it on the telly

When they cut her open to remove her vitals

They found sixty pounds of hooks in her belly

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OUTLAW GHOSTS

I know a lot of you don't believe,
And some of you think I deceive.
But, I'll tell you true -
About the ghosts of blue.

Now these weren't your average ghosts,
Those in all white, who only haunt their hosts.
These were outlaw ghosts with a hue,
Haunting any and all, old or new.

Well, I'll tell ya, they came right into camp.
They was dancin' in the fire like a vamp.
Then, just like that, they was gone,
And the fire was out cold - - and I ain't wrong.

Now the very next night, they was back.
'Caught 'em rummagin' through the cook sack.
Skinny Pete fired three slugs that went right through,
But they skedaddled with our stuff in their ghostly coup.

Well, that was more'n the boss man could take.
He sent two of us after 'em - it was me an' Jake.
We spent two days and nights trackin',
And those spooks certainly made it nerve-wracking.

On the third night, we met the sheriff and posse.
Said, they ain't seen our ghouls but gave us coffee.
Wondered if we might have seen their holdup men,
Which, we didn't, so we howdy'd and parted ...then...

Our blue ghosts swooshed right across our trail,
In the faint light of the moon, looking ghostly pale.
That was the last little glimpse we had for a while.
They'd appear and then disappear with guile.

Three more days and nights and not a sight.
We tracked 'em left, and we tracked 'em right.
We covered ground no man has ever seen.
In front, then behind, always changing their routine.

Trickster apparitions playing with our minds

Loosed the pickets from the horses' binds

Woke up one morning with the horses already saddled

Enough to make a sane man addled

Just 'bout to give up and call it a lost cause,
When we caught 'em nappin' down in the draws.
We rounded 'em up and hog-tied 'em in the trees.
Got our food sack back. Everything eaten 'cept the dried peas.

I got to tell ya, they was sure slippery little devils.
Them blue ghosts who don't play on the level.
And you're probably wonderin', just how we did all that.
Well, it was like this...

We just followed their trail of scat.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

HOW THE JUDGE SAW IT

He was a judge out in the west,
Traveling from town to town.
With a gold watch chain on his vest,
And a book of Blackstone, leather-bound.

He rode a molly mule he called Kate,
And sang or whistled a tune on the trail.
With watch wound daily, he was never late.
Court would be held with his Blackstone in Braille.

It's a dangerous life without sight,
For a man alone with only a mule.
He was a crack shot and always fired right,
But to mount Kate, he had to use a stool.

Now this is the strangest case for any judge.
Two fellers were fuedin' over a name.
Just a small matter, but neither would budge.
Shots fired, no lives lost, neither had good aim.

Well, they used to be partners on the mesa,
But the split over the name was just too strong.
One was named Ted and the other Asa,
But no matter what, they just couldn't get along.

Their spread was the size of a whole state,
So, splittin' it up seemed a doggone shame.
The judge got his map from the pack on Kate.
Tracing with his finger, he found neither to blame.

His solution was for each man to drop a letter.
Ted would be T-E and Asa would be A-S.
But, they grumbled and thought he could do better,
And so the judge said, he'd just take a guess.

Two men on one ranch fightin' over a name.
ASTE didn't suit either and TEAS was as bad.
So the judge ruled and said he'd settle their claim,
And he did it with the skill of a blind nomad.

He said he'd fix the problem for once and all,
Once they settled his bill and paid his expenses.
As he left, he drew a cross where the road apples fall,
And that is how a blind judge put the X in TeXas.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

ANIMAL HUSBANDRY WIZARDRY

He was famous for his animal husbandry,
Cross-breeding different species indulgently.
Some say he was the first on the Jackalope,
Studying the genetics under the microscope.

But this is the story about a lot of bull,
And, believe you me, the story is quite full.
All about the time he made a cross between -
Two different species never before seen.

Down there in Saudi Arabia is where we begins,
Where he found an animal with long limbs.
Stood nearly eight foot tall on the desert grit,
Ornery, smelled real bad and liked to spit.

The ugliest critter on the face of the earth,
But, he was fascinated with what it could be worth.
Besides the long legs, it had a huge hump on it's back,
So he brought a few back to Texas for a husbandry hack.

He got him one of those bulls he'd seen with a similar hump,
And started studying the genetics, collecting samples in a clump.
One day he got 'em all figured out and in agreement with each other.
A successful crossbreed of the best rodeo stock without much bother

And ya shoulda seen 'em comin' out the chutes
They had cowboys flyin' off with hats below their boots
The most gangly and ornery, and meanest in the show
He called 'em his Brahmadary bulls, don'tcha know

>>>slight pause for effect<<<

But wait, that's not the end of the tale, not by a long shot
You won't believe what happened next, but this is what I got
One thing he didn't realize after all his genetic engineering
Is that they could breed independently without much steering

Soon he had him a pretty good-sized heard that he couldn't manage
So, he sold off a bunch to some farmers, taking full advantage
Before long they had a real business selling the output
Homogenized and pasteurized, bottled and sold for profit

But some genius in a marketing firm changed the spelling
To make everything sound more convincing and appealing
Drama-Dairies, they are, and when it comes to wool over your eyes,
you should'a seen 'em pull
And you know that was the first time anyone ever got milk from a bull.

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CANARDS

WESTERN RHYMES

Contact BRIAN McNEAL